​In the Long Run….
 
The past two weeks have been difficult. My daughter caught the cold/flu and was pretty sick. She doesn’t usually get fevers but she did. Unfortunately this came during finals. After finals her flu got worse and she started the throwing up phase. Okay, call me a bad mom but while I cared for her I was also thinking…. Dear God, I cannot catch this flu, I have a half marathon in three weeks.
 
Well, I didn’t get as sick as my girlie, but I did catch a cold. I took off a couple of runs and got more rest. I took Mucinex and prayed. When this past Saturday came I decided I would still do my long run. I had to. I knew it was just a cold and I need to toughen up and go to it. On top of this, it had rained and my normal route in the orchards was not a good idea. The street was already partially flooded last week and the dirt was muddy before, surely it would be a mess it I attempted to run there now.
 
We live up in the hills of Patterson and while driving down to our gym, my husband suggested I run from the gym back up Diablo Grande towards our home and when I hit halfway, come back down. In my head (where I generally live – ha ha), I was like HELL NO…. UP HILL 5.5 MILES and back down won’t be all downhill. I was already feeling under the weather, what the heck. Shouldn’t I take it easy? But honestly, I was interested in doing something new. Also, this would mean running up part of the road where there is barely a shoulder. I’m not a fan of running close to cars or semis.
 
My husband and I have a routine on long run days (Saturdays or Sundays). He works out at the gym and I leave from the gym to the farmland, which is only a few blocks away. This way he is a phone call away should there be a problem. I can still remember the time I ran 18 miles and it wasn’t a run out and back run. I ran out and when I hit 18 I literally sat my ass down on the sidewalk and called him to get me. He is my moral support. I text him when I’m about halfway done and he says something sweet like – Go MoMo Go. Of course my runs are usually longer than his workout so he runs an errand and has a cold water and sweet card for me when I get back. It’s nice having someone waiting for you – you certainly don’t want to take your time.
 
Saturday I decided what the hell, I would go up Diablo and come back down. I decided I wouldn’t worry about my pace. In fact, if I felt bad, I would cut my run short and come back. I started out and along the way I nearly tripped over a little, dead boar. Yup I said a dead boar. I often see dead animals. I felt this was a sign and someone or something was telling –hey you fat ass – you need to do this. Yea, the inner critic. He needs to kiss my you know what.
 
I ran under the freeway and there was the hill. My brother texted me asking me what I was up to and told him. I suppose I whined a bit – I was running my hills WITH A COLD. It was hardly Everest. He wrote – Keep it up.  So I did. I just kept at it. I felt like the Little Engine that Could (I know – I’m dating myself). I think I can. I think I can.
 
My head felt good. I felt strong and I kept on plugging away. What really inspired me was the shear beauty. It was such a beautiful day. The clouds were beautiful and the sun was vibrant. I wanted to keep going. A few times I needed to walk a bit because the hills were steep. My legs started to cramp a bit so I took in a gel and drank my water with Tailwind. I started again and I felt good. MoMo was doin it and I felt good.  Cars whisked by and I had to pay attention and move to the dirt to be safe. Every now and again I remember that my mom was dead by my age.  This long run brings only positive thoughts (wow, this is unusual). The inner critic has been quiet since the dead boar citing.  I was thinking about a podcast I heard and this woman was talking about having an open heart. This run made my heart full – I felt invigorated. My two prior runs were horrid. One five-mile run felt like 20.  This open heart feeling overwhelmed me. I felt so good – I wanted everyone to feel like this. I’m going to try and hold onto this feeling throughout the week.
 
Running has made me feel more. Some it isn’t always so great… but  mostly I feel strong and whole, like I can face anything.  In the long run….anything is possible. 


PS... A BIG PS.... So last night (Sunday night) we had a pretty decent wind storm and my BIG DOG, Bodhi, lost his stuff. I mean he was barking all night long. I don't think he stopped until 4 am. My husband and I were delirious, The wind howled, so did Bodhi, and we could hear our patio furniture blowing around on our patio. It was maddening. My long run was behind me and I was in a crazed delirium, just needing sleep. How can my disposition switch so quickly? But that's just life, right? Do we really have any control? There is always something to test us on every level. Right when you think you got this, you don't and seriously, do we want this any other way. We cannot want predictable, otherwise why do we go on this journey? I went to school late, with an open heart. and it was an okay day.  

The struggle is real. We all have our crap. I am so inside my head sometimes, I can’t hear what is going on around me.  As many of you know, I am a high school art teacher and I see a lot of teenage angst….of course, I went through all that teenage angst making some pretty horrible art to illustrate every second of it.

Teenage angst? Middle-aged angst is some serious angst. At least they have time to figure their shit out. Our clock is ticking… tick tock… tick tock. You would think that I would be less insecure, more evolved, with a “I don’t care what anyone thinks.” I’m sure I may come off that way sometimes but I’m not that way. I do like myself a bit more now because I really try to show others I care about them.

The more I talk to other women about why I started to run, the more I hear their stories about not feeling good and whole in these middle aged years. (Middle aged? I’m 53, do I really think I’m going to live to 106. Shit.) The woman I just spoke to at a cheer competition told me she was going through the very same thing. She thanked me for being so open with her. I think (know) I probably over share sometimes but this was one time I was glad I did. Misery loves company but really I feel like we just want to see someone who is resilient and living with “grace and grit.” I recently listened to a podcast that I will put a link to at the end. If you haven’t delved into the world of podcasts, OMG, you need to do it RIGHT NOW.

I was listening to the Running On Om Podcast with Julia Hanlon and she was talking about her personal struggles with Nicole Antoinette. It was so incredibly real… of course these two women are young, but they were very open about depression and some of their low points of 2015. Julia had never discussed her depression and she said it wasn’t one thing but several things that kind of hit her hard. I think I discount my feelings sometimes because I don’t have that horrible thing that happened to me. My husband hasn’t left me, I am in good health (except the menopause and depression, ha ha), and my life looks good from the outside. However, I do have that darkness lurking inside. This is why I run. That was the other part of the discussion I absolutely loved. Nicole admitted that she doesn't necessarily love running but it's what she does. Oh my this was amazing. She doesn't always want to go run and during the run, she isn't always enjoying it. In fact, maybe one of 12 runs are fantastic. While running is saving me emotionally, I have to say that I never feel excited to go run. I never know how I will feel, if it will be a good run or a bad run, if I will feel strong and empowered or weak and pathetic. It's the after effects, the endorphins, the feeling of accomplishment that keeps me going. 

Nicole also speaks to grit and grace. You'll laugh but on my way to LA I was listening to the podcast and I didn't have my little Field Notes books (a must have) on hand to write down notes. My daughter gave me a few index cards and now I have only one of them ...Lord knows where the other 2 - 3 are... frustrating. Anyway, I was gripped by her comments on mental toughness and making continual choices that benefit yourself. I have to go through and listen again, and I will, but I appreciate her candor that it isn't easy to stay on track. It's never easy to do what you KNOW will make you feel better. On the trip to LA I did do my long run, 10 miles. I couldn't get outside until after 5 which meant running in the dark without my night time gear. As luck would have it, I tripped and fell. That was my grit... ha ha. But I did it - I got the run done and I did feel good (except the torn running tights and smashed FitBit). 

Take care everyone... here are my links! Also see links on the side of my blog for my fav podcasts!

Link to the Running On Om Podcast I referenced above:
http://runningonom.com/2016/01/05/roo-168-real-talk-reflections-with-nicole-antoinette-and-julia-hanlon/

Notes of Grit and Grace - by Nicole Antoinette
Subscribe to her weekly notes! You won't be disappointed.

Field Notes little books
Keep your ideas in one spot - the old fashioned way! Love them!

I have been wanting a blog for a long time. I even tried a couple of years ago but well... I don't know what happened. I was concerned about my writing abilities (even though I've taught English.... ha ha). Honestly, I just wanted a place to record my ramblings. Maybe I'll be the only one to go back and read it;  that will be okay. 

I'm a mom, wife, GRANDMA (or MoMo as my babies call me), an artist, a high school art teacher, and a spiritual seeker. NOW I'm also a runner. You see last year my menopause just hit me in the face. Wait... what the heck does running have to do with menopause? Well, beyond the heat flashes, I was depressed and feeling out of my mind. I felt crazy. I had horrible thoughts of suicide and there was no reason for it. Nothing in my life was different and so these thoughts made no sense.

Being a responsible person, I sought professional help and called the doctor. The doctor put me on antidepressants which I was okay with because I just wanted to stop. Well, fortunately the horrible thoughts went away but I still felt crazy and now I was gaining weight. I started running... and running... and running. 

After a couple of months of running, my brother suggested that we run a marathon. I said yes but I really couldn't see it happening. Then my brother said we should run the NYC marathon for the Pat Tillman Foundation. I was excited, inspired, terrified.... really?  He had points so he would pay for the airfare so there was really no excuse, right? 

The most I had run lately was a 10k so what's another 20 miles. He gave me the training schedule and so I began the month of June. Some people were skeptical and honestly, I couldn't blame them. Now I'm running A LOT!! I've run 13 miles a couple of times and next weekend is 15 miles.  This running thing has put me in touch with myself on a level I just could have never imagined. It is painful, yes, but I literally enter a sort of meditative state. 

I called this blog The Self-Loathing Lotus because I'm definitely a work in progress. I always doubt myself....I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, talented enough... and so on. That asshole inside my head needs to shut the F up. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts and I'm finding that the people I truly admire have that same a-hole in their head. It makes me think I can accomplish more even with the voice. At least the really desperate thoughts are gone and I know relief is as easy as slipping on my running shoes (by the way, the MOST EXPENSIVE SHOES I'VE EVER OWNED). I know I've got this.... the marathon and my life. 

This blog will be written for me about the things that lift me up. However, if you like it, great! 

This is where I will resume my blog if you are still interested. Thanks!

Hi everyone,

I started writing this on my flight home to the Bay Area but it took me the entire week to reflect on the whole TCS NYC Marathon experience. I am so happy I did it, but I won’t lie, I was not happy about my performance. The run was so crazy… there were people everywhere… little kids on the side of the road reaching their hand out to get a high five; families calling out your name in support and bands playing music to keep you moving.

At one point during the race the “Whip it” song came on my music and there was this crowd on the side of the street with police blocking a road… I stopped and you know what I did… MoMo whipped it and did the Nae Nae. The crowd went crazy and I decided to have fun. If I had only known… that my calves would literally seize up around mile 8 or 9, perhaps I would have been less crazy. I wasn’t overly concerned with my time… okay, maybe a little.  I was running along and literally my calves balled up. I couldn’t run, I was afraid I would trip and fall. I stopped and sat on the side of the street. I tried to massage my calves and I realized I might not get up. What the hell?  I have run so much further than this without any difficulties. I have to say there were more hills than I imagined; perhaps I overexerted myself. Immediately my EGO entered my thoughts (you know him, he’s friends with my Inner Critic). I really wanted to end the race around 5 hours but I knew now that would not happen. I picked my sorry ass up and continued. I ran a bit… the muscles seized again and I ran more. My pace was so much slower than before. I started thinking that I needed more fuel so I began eating my goo’s and drinking at the water stations.

For a while, I felt a little better. On one of the bridges (not sure which, but I think the second), I saw runners stretching out but leaning on the poles. I did that and felt a little relief so I decided I would do that every so often when I felt uncomfortable or in pain. I saw everyone taking selfies on the bridge and I thought, what the hell, I may as well get some selfies (those are the selfies I posted on Facebook).  I told my EGO to shut his face while I made my way through the race and make the best of the experience.

I was so blessed to have this trip. My brother took care of everything, the room, the plane ride, and several amazing meals. I could not have done this marathon without him. 

Note: About the EGO, Wayne Dyer referred to the EGO as Earth Guide Only. The EGO can’t bring you closer to your true nature. It was primarily concerned with others’ opinions of you, of how you look to the rest of the world. EGO cannot accept failure, even though you know that failure can bring about so much growth. EGO cares about your reputation and is wrapped up with appearance.

The course was relentless and brutal. I was pissed. How could I be so easily fooled? Who do I think I am? (Inner Critic) You have to push through and run harder (EGO). Then my calves would ball up again. Why was I doing this? What was I trying to prove? I looked down at my duct tape nametag that I made so spectators could call out my name as I ran. At first I had written Trish and then my brother pointed out that it should be MoMo. So it said “MoMo’s Doin It!”  Well my nametag was crunched up… MoMo looked tired and haggard. I heard a couple people call out to me…. And when I looked over I saw my brother’s in-laws, Rich and Arlene, and I ran over to them. You know how you feel when you see your parents after something bad has happened? I saw them and burst into tears. They saw me stop on the tracker and they were worried I was dropping out. They gave me words of encouragement and that propelled me to keep moving.

I looked at my phone and I saw the messages and realized that so many friends were tracking me. The EGO chimed in – commenting on my pace and time – but I kept moving. I began thinking about this podcast with this yoga teacher was talking about Grace and Grit. That is what held on to. This was freakin hard but damn it I could do this. I continued on with the race.

The pain was pretty bad. I knew I had to do this. I raised money from people who believed in me. The day before the race I went to a meet and greet with the Tillman Foundation. I listened to stories of the Tillman Scholars who had received scholarships. My cramping calves were NOTHING compared to what these people had been through. One of the scholar recipients spoke of losing her husband on Christmas day during his tour and then having to deal with the aftermath. The Tillman Foundation gave her an educational scholarship and she’s going to help Vets navigate their lives after they get out of the service, the red tape and the paperwork. One woman who is a soldier had undergone a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy due to cancer. She is an ultra marathoner…. She is badass.  I had to keep moving in their honor.

Towards the end, I was literally crying. My brother had been waiting over an hour. I know I’ve run 20 miles but I’m telling you now the last 6 felt like another 20. This is so ridiculous! There were still up hills and by the way, mile 22 felt like 2 miles. Then my final morbid thought, I am 53 and I’m running a marathon. If I were my mom, I would have been dead already. I had to do this. I have been making these silly videos for Sophia saying “MoMo’s doin it.” I had to do it. I kept pushing – walking – running – walking – running. Finally the end was right in front of me. All of it was over, sort of and then there was the walk …. long walk to get our medal (which, by the way, is amazing), the food bag, and the poncho…. Holy crap it was a long walk. Then there was an uphill …. Really? I kept moving. I literally wanted to throw up. I was in so much pain and I just wanted to sit. I found my brother and we hugged. We did it! Believe it or not, we went back to the hotel and met his in-laws for dinner. I could barely carry on a conversation because my calves hurt so bad.

Finally, I have to say that my support system was ENORMOUS. My husband who was there at the end of the long runs, sometimes to pick me up where I stopped, and listened to my playback of every mile.  My kids who sent me texts and words of encouragement. To my grandbabies, Sophia and Joey… who make me happier than any run. My Foothill family, who gave me regular pep talks and advice, my students who wrote me notes if I hit the wall (wow! That was amazing).  My friends who love me unconditionally… my cheer family and complete strangers who believed.

Now what? It is a week today since I ran the marathon. Looking back I feel better because I finished. I dealt with my Inner Critic and my Ego and told them what was up. I am going to keep running after I recover and I’ve already lined up a couple of short races. My son and my daughter are going to run with me. I feel antsy and I want to get back at it because I know the reason I started this is because it made me feel good. In the end, I’m learning to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all. I did not run the NYC Marathon the best I could… I’m not sure why my calves cramped up but I FINISHED. Right now I will accept that and look to the next race. MoMo did it!