The struggle is real. We all have our crap. I am so inside my head sometimes, I can’t hear what is going on around me.  As many of you know, I am a high school art teacher and I see a lot of teenage angst….of course, I went through all that teenage angst making some pretty horrible art to illustrate every second of it.

Teenage angst? Middle-aged angst is some serious angst. At least they have time to figure their shit out. Our clock is ticking… tick tock… tick tock. You would think that I would be less insecure, more evolved, with a “I don’t care what anyone thinks.” I’m sure I may come off that way sometimes but I’m not that way. I do like myself a bit more now because I really try to show others I care about them.

The more I talk to other women about why I started to run, the more I hear their stories about not feeling good and whole in these middle aged years. (Middle aged? I’m 53, do I really think I’m going to live to 106. Shit.) The woman I just spoke to at a cheer competition told me she was going through the very same thing. She thanked me for being so open with her. I think (know) I probably over share sometimes but this was one time I was glad I did. Misery loves company but really I feel like we just want to see someone who is resilient and living with “grace and grit.” I recently listened to a podcast that I will put a link to at the end. If you haven’t delved into the world of podcasts, OMG, you need to do it RIGHT NOW.

I was listening to the Running On Om Podcast with Julia Hanlon and she was talking about her personal struggles with Nicole Antoinette. It was so incredibly real… of course these two women are young, but they were very open about depression and some of their low points of 2015. Julia had never discussed her depression and she said it wasn’t one thing but several things that kind of hit her hard. I think I discount my feelings sometimes because I don’t have that horrible thing that happened to me. My husband hasn’t left me, I am in good health (except the menopause and depression, ha ha), and my life looks good from the outside. However, I do have that darkness lurking inside. This is why I run. That was the other part of the discussion I absolutely loved. Nicole admitted that she doesn't necessarily love running but it's what she does. Oh my this was amazing. She doesn't always want to go run and during the run, she isn't always enjoying it. In fact, maybe one of 12 runs are fantastic. While running is saving me emotionally, I have to say that I never feel excited to go run. I never know how I will feel, if it will be a good run or a bad run, if I will feel strong and empowered or weak and pathetic. It's the after effects, the endorphins, the feeling of accomplishment that keeps me going. 

Nicole also speaks to grit and grace. You'll laugh but on my way to LA I was listening to the podcast and I didn't have my little Field Notes books (a must have) on hand to write down notes. My daughter gave me a few index cards and now I have only one of them ...Lord knows where the other 2 - 3 are... frustrating. Anyway, I was gripped by her comments on mental toughness and making continual choices that benefit yourself. I have to go through and listen again, and I will, but I appreciate her candor that it isn't easy to stay on track. It's never easy to do what you KNOW will make you feel better. On the trip to LA I did do my long run, 10 miles. I couldn't get outside until after 5 which meant running in the dark without my night time gear. As luck would have it, I tripped and fell. That was my grit... ha ha. But I did it - I got the run done and I did feel good (except the torn running tights and smashed FitBit). 

Take care everyone... here are my links! Also see links on the side of my blog for my fav podcasts!

Link to the Running On Om Podcast I referenced above:
http://runningonom.com/2016/01/05/roo-168-real-talk-reflections-with-nicole-antoinette-and-julia-hanlon/

Notes of Grit and Grace - by Nicole Antoinette
Subscribe to her weekly notes! You won't be disappointed.

Field Notes little books
Keep your ideas in one spot - the old fashioned way! Love them!

I have been wanting a blog for a long time. I even tried a couple of years ago but well... I don't know what happened. I was concerned about my writing abilities (even though I've taught English.... ha ha). Honestly, I just wanted a place to record my ramblings. Maybe I'll be the only one to go back and read it;  that will be okay. 

I'm a mom, wife, GRANDMA (or MoMo as my babies call me), an artist, a high school art teacher, and a spiritual seeker. NOW I'm also a runner. You see last year my menopause just hit me in the face. Wait... what the heck does running have to do with menopause? Well, beyond the heat flashes, I was depressed and feeling out of my mind. I felt crazy. I had horrible thoughts of suicide and there was no reason for it. Nothing in my life was different and so these thoughts made no sense.

Being a responsible person, I sought professional help and called the doctor. The doctor put me on antidepressants which I was okay with because I just wanted to stop. Well, fortunately the horrible thoughts went away but I still felt crazy and now I was gaining weight. I started running... and running... and running. 

After a couple of months of running, my brother suggested that we run a marathon. I said yes but I really couldn't see it happening. Then my brother said we should run the NYC marathon for the Pat Tillman Foundation. I was excited, inspired, terrified.... really?  He had points so he would pay for the airfare so there was really no excuse, right? 

The most I had run lately was a 10k so what's another 20 miles. He gave me the training schedule and so I began the month of June. Some people were skeptical and honestly, I couldn't blame them. Now I'm running A LOT!! I've run 13 miles a couple of times and next weekend is 15 miles.  This running thing has put me in touch with myself on a level I just could have never imagined. It is painful, yes, but I literally enter a sort of meditative state. 

I called this blog The Self-Loathing Lotus because I'm definitely a work in progress. I always doubt myself....I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, talented enough... and so on. That asshole inside my head needs to shut the F up. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts and I'm finding that the people I truly admire have that same a-hole in their head. It makes me think I can accomplish more even with the voice. At least the really desperate thoughts are gone and I know relief is as easy as slipping on my running shoes (by the way, the MOST EXPENSIVE SHOES I'VE EVER OWNED). I know I've got this.... the marathon and my life. 

This blog will be written for me about the things that lift me up. However, if you like it, great!